Excerpts From The Bits that Didn’t Fit

It Grows on Trees

My name is Nelson.  Nelson Eric Kidman.  Nelson is the place I was conceived.  Eric is an uncle who drowned thirty-eight years before I was born and Kidman is the name of a grandfather I’ve never met.  He ran off when Dad was only a few days old.  That’s a hell of a lot of history for an eleven year old to carry around.


Have you ever noticed that jokes are always funny? Well, they’re meant to be. Why don’t we have sad jokes? I’m serious. There’s a standard format for all jokes: there’s a set-up – or story – then there’s the punch line – which is funny. Why don’t we have punch lines which are profound, poignant and a little sad?

Like, there’s an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a bar and the barman says, ‘My father used to beat me. But abusive childhoods are quite common in the hospitality industry.’

It’s just an idea.

No, it’s really just another way to deflect attention from my life gurgling down the plug hole.

an excerpt from The Road Behind


“At the lights at Boundary Street, she moved to the front seat so I could massage her spine. I started at her neck. By Mona Vale Road, I’d reached the small of her back and was feeling a stirring in my loins. ‘That’s not too hard is it?’ I asked. She shook her head.
By Telegraph Road, I’d reached her coccyx and was headed for territory beyond the jurisdiction of the Chiropractic Society. My fingers slid between her buttocks as we turned off the Highway. She unzipped my fly and opened her mouth.
‘I always wondered why this road was called Bobbin Head,’ I said. She replied but I didn’t catch the words. I dropped her off, thinking maybe I’d gone too far – but it was only by a few metres.”
Excerpt from Going Places – THE BITS THAT DIDN’T FIT

Sign up to the Newsletter and get the latest news

We respect your privacy and will never divulge your email address to 3rd parties. We are totally against spam in all forms. Especially the tinned meat.

Recent Posts

Coming soon. I’m currently working on the sequel to The Road Behind.

Mark and Fiona's son, Nelson, continues the Kidman saga in It Grows on Trees. It's eleven years on and Mark's estranged father, Nelson's grandfather, is dying. Nelson's happy childhood starts to unravel as he becomes entwined in the tangled roots of his family tree.   … [Read More...]

The human heart is like a water pump.

It looks fine; it sounds fine. But if you don’t look after it, if you’re always running hot, or your system’s full of shit, your impeller blades wear down, your bushes go, your gaskets start to leak. But it still looks and sounds fine, till suddenly one day you find yourself stopped at the roadside, boiling over. You open your bonnet and you say, shit, my water pump’s fucked. Look after your … [Read More...]

Synopsis: Eden

Set in the immediate future, and told from multiple points of view, Eden is an escapist fantasy, a commentary on planet Earth’s woes and a crime thriller. Doug Winchcombe, a brilliant but chronically introverted, physicist discovers a gateway to another planet. A perfect world he names Eden. He returns to Eden daily, amazed by its wonders and content in its tranquillity. But a perfect world … [Read More...]


My father was born in 1924, when electronics were in their infancy and electricity wasn’t widely available – certainly not in Bootle, a working class suburb of Liverpool. As a child, the only electricity in his house came from a hand-wound dynamo, which he attached to a treadle sewing machine to increase the output. He laid a bare wire along the top of his fence and when he saw a cat jump up … [Read More...]


MANDY I had a little mandarin I bought it at the shop The Safeway store in Williamstown A place I often stop A gorgeous, juicy, mandarin With a lucsious orange glow It came from California A place they often grow I took it to the airport To eat it on the way But somewhere round the Ring Road Mandy got away When I got to Jetstar Terminal I searched and searched in vain I … [Read More...]

My Four Fathers

a collaboration with my daughter when she was very young My Four Fathers My name is Mia and I have four dads. My best dad is called Jonno Mofo. He lives with me in Newport. He’s a rock star. He says I have a good imagination but mum says we talk shit. My worst dad lives in America, his name is Mike Hall. He’s a con man. He sold my Bratz dolls and my Littlest Pet Shop figures on … [Read More...]


Age Review by Cameron Woodhead

Cameron Woodhead reviews the book in the Melbourne Age Saturday 30th October 2010.   … [Read More...]

Review by Gillian D.

I got my copy on a Saturday afternoon and had finished it by Sunday afternoon. I read long into the night taking only meal and coffee breaks, such was … [Read More...]

an edited version of Raewyn Alexander’s review of the book

The Road Behind - (Punk just Sucks Now) an edited version of Raewyn Alexander’s review – full review available at: … [Read More...]

More Posts from this Category